Under Attack!

   

      There are many things in our lives that are humorous to others, but we do not find the laughter at the moment. I recently had one of those events. It occurred after I was attacked by a nest of yellow jackets while mowing the yard. I had my 2 year old riding with me on the mower at the time. Luckily, I was the target of their anger. She escaped any harm. She was more upset about not riding anymore, than the threat of the insects. Me, I was cursing from the stings across my back. Those little buggers pack a wallop!
    Their nest was close to the house, and I have 3 children. There was no choice. I had to eliminate them. So in true military fashion, I declared war on the terrorist insects. Their cowardly attack was not about to go unavenged. They had dug deep into the earth by my neighbors fence. They were entrenched and ready for battle. I was certain they had a network of tunnels for use to evade and attack. The typical wasp and hornet spray would not work on this foe. More elaborate and destructive measures would be required. After all, they outnumbered me 500 to one. Superior firepower was required.
I didn't have access to some good old-fashioned napalm. Even if I had some C-4, I am certain the detonation would have caused me more trouble than the solution. My wife and neighbors would have been upset with their windows being blown out. I'm sure the local police, ATF, and FBI probably would not be too happy with me either. It would not be fun to spend time in prison over some yellow jackets. A part of me would have loved to see them evaporated, despite the consequences.
     Reluctantly, I chose a few less destructive methods. Although, the choices I made weren't the least destructive choices. Like any good soldier attacking a larger force, I waited for the sun to start to set. The enemy was starting to settle in for the night. There is no better time to attack a hive than then. The little savages are starting to settle in for a good sleep. Slowly, I filled every opening I could find with gasoline. I emptied nearly 5 gallons worth in as many holes. Then, I tossed a match to it. There was no resounding explosion, but a big section of my yard went up in flames. UUGGH UUGGH fire good!!
     Once the flames died down, I began to dig up the hive. You have to make sure you get the queen. Otherwise, they will be back with a vengeance. I dug up a hole as big as the hood of my truck. The comb I found was as big as my head. I stomped and smashed it to a pulp. This is where the humor part comes in. Yellow jackets do come out, even if it is getting dark. They were not happy with my actions. I was out of accelerant, so I decided to try and drown the creatures. In a matter of minutes, I had created a miniature swimming pool. I shoved the hose down every opening I saw them crawling out of.
     A person would have thought fire and water would have ended their existence. No! They were swarming around the hole again the next morning. Resolved to finish this, I purchased 5 more gallons of gas. I didn't wait for dark. Girded in every piece of military gear I could find. The gear was thick enough to keep the stings away. I filled even more holes with gas and lit it. This time I didn't wait for the flames to die down. I began to dig up more tunnels and holes while the flames killed each of the enemy as they tried to escape. Believe it or not, there were still some of them flying around after that.

I've Fallen

   

    There are times that I feel like a kid. Then, reality will rear its ugly head. Realizing that you are not as young and resilient as you once were, is just one of the problems a person must face. I've ignored those little signs in the past. There was a time where nothing bothered me, physically. Now, things hurt a little more than they use to. Unfortunately, I had a crash course on that problem this past weekend. I was going down the steps to our bedroom. My foot slid out from under me and I landed flat on my back. That would have been bad enough, but I was at the top of the steps. I slid all the way to the bottom, my head bouncing off each step. I'm certain my head smacked 13 times. My children consider sliding down the steps an enjoyable sport. I have to continuously yell at them for playing on the stairs. They slide down on their bellies and backs, laughing manically. My feelings are definitely different.
    There I was lying at the foot of the stairs trying to catch my breath, and take inventory. Anyone that has taken a hard fall has done the same thing. Ive dealt with enough serious injuries in my day. There was no way I was moving, until I was certain there were no bones broken, or that my neck wasn't at a weird angle. Several minutes passed before I allowed myself to relax. The hour was late. Thankfully the rest of the family was sound asleep. None of my family was there to see me sprawled out like a Crash Test Dummy. The cat was there starring at me from the book shelf. Can cats snicker and grin? I would have sworn ours did.
    Certain I was in the right number of pieces, extra parts would have meant a big problem, I slowly got up. I used the wall and chair to do it. I'm certain I grunted, groaned, and cursed my way to the bedroom. There were no children about; it was okay for me to do it. The injuries weren't bad, sorry lieutenants. I am still tougher than that. But, it did make me think. There have been times when I took far worse tumbles, from greater distances, and higher velocity. Granted, some of them involved the heavy consumption of alcohol. Others, they just involved the stupidity of youth. Each episode seemed to result in minor scrapes and bruises.
    My muscles were tightening as I lay in bed contemplating my situation. My mind wandered through all the bad things that my body had been subject to. There seemed to be an endless number of things. Around nine, I wanted to be a stuntman. Endless hours were spent wrecking my bike, jumping out of the barn onto hay bales, with other tumbles and falls. That dream only lasted a summer, but I put my young body through the ringer. Band-aids and hot baths fixed it all then. I'm sure my body will feel the effects later in life. A cane will probably be the results. I wonder if I can get one that looks like a light saber, or a giant thigh bone?

Are You a Good Samaritan?

     Today was not one of those days when I felt like a knight and protector to my wife and children. Instead I was the court jester. The fool to some of you. Yea I think the fool was more of it. I was taking the children to church this morning by myself. My wife had homework and a paper that had to be finished. A quick stop by the ATM for cash to get gas and the offering. Then, we are on the way. At least, I thought we were. I should have listened to my gut, but I didn't. I ran out of gas.
    It has been a long time since that happened to me. It definitely never happened to me on a busy street, in the middle of the day. There weren't three upset children in the vehicle when I did before. I had to call my wife and have her bring the gas can for me. She quickly raced to the rescue. She brought a full gas can, allowing me to take the children to church before they revolted. Supermom saved the day. Luckily, this allowed us to make it on time. Not much of a story. However, there is more to it.
     Today gave me a new perspective on the kindness of my fellow man. I know the road was busy and people were rushing to services at various churches in the area. Cars and trucks sped by us, even with my truck blocking one full lane of traffic. I can understand someone not wanting to stop for me. I can be a little scary looking at times. I thought three little girls hanging out the windows might change someone's mind. Most people drove past giving us nasty looks, like I had done it on purpose. Yea folks, that is my idea of a good time. I try to plan ways to break down and cause issues for the masses. I threw in three upset girls for effect.
    My faith was restored by a few individuals that stopped. There were not the people you would expect, but maybe they were. Most of the people who stopped where not the well off people that could afford it. There were several elderly couples. They offered to take me to get some gas. I thanked them for the offers but pointed out the fact I had three girls sitting there crying about being late for services. Each wished me luck, one even offered to go get drinks for the girls. I declined. Children trapped in truck was bad enough. Them filled with water or juice, that was a disaster waiting to explode.
The second type of individuals to stop were even more surprising. These individuals looked as if they could barely afford to pay attention. They drove vehicles that looked as if they would fall apart at any moment. One of them even sounded as if it was ready to do just that. However, each of them took pity and stopped to try and help. Two ladies had a car full of children as well. They wished me luck when I told them I didn't have a gas can and that my wife was on the way.

Why Isn't It Fair?

   

    "Its not fair!" a little boy shouts as he is escorted inside by his mother to dinner. His friends stand there staring as their friend disappears into the house. They shrug theirs shoulders and get back to the game. All of them are happy it wasnt them. Yet, they know soon it will be their turn to leave. Most will simply wave goodbye and head off. The few remaining, throw a fit like the first child and storm off. If they were cartoons, you would see the steam cloud billowing above their heads.
     That phrase, "Its not fair!" is something you would think only a mad child might use. Okay, lets not forget the teenagers. Adults are always unfair to them. It isnt a phrase you expect to hear from adults. Unfortunately, too many of Americans feel that everything should happen exactly as they envision it. I am not sure, if this is due to a feeling of entitlement we have. I have heard too many people say "They owe me!" Who is the, "They?" Why would they owe a young nineteen or twenty-year old something? They havent been around long enough to accrue much of a debt owed them. Did their parents double-down and pass the winning credit on to them?
     I have known young men and women that have lost limbs in the service. You would be surprised at how many of them feel guilty they didnt do all they could. They feel they let their comrades and the country down because they didnt finish their tour. These individuals could lie around whining, waiting for someone to care for them. Instead, they do their therapy and try to return to their old lives. Many of them excelling at jobs, despite challenges.
     That is why it burns me up when a healthy person cries "Thats Not Fair." Usually, it is due to some fault of their own. I hear it all the time when a customer is charged a late fee for not making a payment on time. It amazes me the reasons that they come up with. I have heard everything from "I was on vacation for 2 months traveling through Europe." Sorry! Another favorite is "My Dog ate my Ipad." Seriously, are we back in high school? Folks take some responsibility for what you do. Admit you forgot and accept the consequences of your actions.
     The words are used by people when they envy what someone else has, or has achieved. "Thats not fair they have that." You know my friend, get off your backside and get to work. You can earn a lot more, if you actually go to work. I have seen so many people that want simple jobs that pay, minimum wage, just because they have no responsibility. Yet, these are the same people that want a new car, fancy home, and all the latest gadgets. My wife and I both have full time jobs, and I am in the National Guard. We cant afford all that. How can someone that spends their life attached to an Xbox expect to?
     I am far from a man that will ever own a yacht. Not that that wouldnt be nice. The choices I made in life did not take me down that path. I have no desire to be filthy rich. I would settle for comfortable. There are still choices I can make that will make life better for my family. I will not begrudge the man, driving the Porsche, his toys. I may hope his taupe flies off at an inappropriate moment. That is mainly because that would be hilarious.
     We must take responsibility for our choices and actions. Other people didnt force you to do the things you have done. No one made you spend all that money on objects you do not need, or can afford. Nor, did they force you to sit at home watching Gilligans Island instead of doing something with life. The choices were yours. Choose what is fair, for you.

He's Watching You!

    There are several times of year that I will not go near the mall, or Wal-mart. Not that I enjoy going to either of them normally. One of those times is Christmas of course. There is nothing worse than people filled with that holiday spirit of "Must Buy! Must Have!" A person takes their life into their own hands shopping then. If you do not believe me, go out on Black Friday and watch. I have seen combat zones that are friendlier.
     I talk of something almost as sinister. It is the Tax Free weekend. Im not sure how many states have this. Tennessee definitely does. This weekend is set so that parents can buy the clothes and school supplies their children need, without paying any taxes. It is a great help. Everyone with children knows how expensive getting ready for the school year can be. Any penny you can save can be spent later. Especially, when they bring home the fund raisers. You have to buy that case of candy bars that they have to sell for school. Yours may be selling cookies, or wrapping paper.
     The sale, unfortunately, only lasts for one weekend. You can imagine the pandemonium that unleashes. My wife has told me horror stories about it. This is from a woman that has braved the midnight sales at Best Buy and other major locations. She made an excellent decision to do the shopping early this year. We took the children shopping several weeks prior to the sale. There had to be a lot less stress. I can only imagine trying to keep up with three children in that chaos. I'm usually gone with the military, have to clean the gutters, mow the lawn, or anything else that keeps me away from shopping.
     I am probably like most husbands. We have a great fear of the ferocious beasts that roam the floors of sales. They are the dreaded Matriarcus Severus. This creature has the ability to take a persons arm off at the elbow with 1 bite. Especially if it is reaching into a sale bin. Don't you dare reach for that last pair of size two sparkly sketchers. There may be more than one waiting to pounce open the prize. I would rather be caught in an ambush than deal with that tenacity.
      My twisted mind can see some mothers planning their attack strategy for weeks, prior to the sale. They have their primary and secondary routes prepared, along with the quickest exit routes. This is the type of person I see speeding through the parking lot in a supped up minivan. She does a power slide into a parking space, cutting off another such vehicle. Before the engine dies, she is doing a power slide over the hood. The side door slides open, as four children dressed as ninjas come rolling out. They all sprint into the store, scattering shoppers as they burst in.

     Getting children ready for school is stressful enough. They want the most current and fashionable apparel and supplies. I didn't know you had stick glue with different colored caps. God help you if you don't get the right color. We shouldn't be nasty parents in the process. Our children are watching us. Lets help each other out. They are learning from us. Remember, Santa is always watching. He knows, if you are good or bad.

A Slow Rock to Nowhere

      I write a lot about the past. I think sometimes we rely too much on technology and have lost the personal touch with people. You dont see neighbors visiting each other much anymore. You cant sip iced tea on the porch online. Well maybe you can now, if your wireless network reaches that far. But, it isnt as much fun. You dont get to see your friends expression when you start telling wild stories about his youth to his current love interest.
     However, I do realize I cant live in the old days. We must constantly move forward or shrivel up and blow away. I have seen it throughout my life. My mind pays more attention to it, since I am growing older. People who seem to keep active are the ones that survive into their late 80s and 90s. Im not talking about the fitness freaks that jog 14 miles a day that eat only organic seaweed. The individuals I talk about are those that find an activity that keeps their minds and bodies active.
     Watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy are not the kind of activities I allude to. Neither is spending most of the day watching life float past your front porch. There is little stimulation there. A person must work their mind, body, and soul to survive beyond retirement. Personally, I want to be embarrassing my children and grandchildren into my eighties. Grandpa with his motorcycle, what fun?
     Most of the people I have seen survive, to late in life, spend time doing things. They are always visiting friends, volunteering to help others, or farming. They dont live thinking of the past and that life is over. They find new and exciting things to challenge them. I have even seen many of the, Elderly, on the social media. These people accept the changes and use them to their advantages. There are even dating sites for people over sixty. I havent been brave enough to see what interest they list. I might be traumatized.
    There is a lot that can be learned from people that stay young. Communities can learn from them as well. There are too many towns and cities dying off. These places are stuck in the glory of their past. All they know is what use to be. I have seen so many of the small towns, from the area where I grew up, slowly sliding into oblivion. The coal industry is a shadow of what it once was. It has been replaced by cleaner fuels. The jobs are gone. So are the younger people that were the work force.
     This shouldnt happen. There are some beautiful areas in those mountains. Many of the towns could revamp and find new life. Like the people that excel later in life, they need to embrace the future. I believe the mountains of Southwestern Virginia could be a tourist hotspot for the younger generations looking for fun, excitement, adventure, and relaxation. Im not talking a "Deliverance" weekend. However, I am sure they can hear some good banjo music while traveling through the area.
     There is plenty of beautiful forest and mountains for hiking and camping. There are arts and crafts that were passed down through the generations. No, not just shine recipes. There is nothing like the home cooking to put some weight on those skinny hikers from the suburbs, out trying to get back to nature. There is no denying our culture and music is unique. People would be lined up to spend their money to experience life in the mountains.
     Unfortunately, the communities are like the old man sitting on the porch. He loves to sit and watch the world as it passes by. Stop and talk to him. Hell gladly tell you about how good things use to be. Hell tell you how life is so bad now. Theres nothing as good as it use to be. You better listen close. The old man wont talk to you too long. He has to get back inside and watch his shows. It helps him forget what was and those that have left him behind.

Thanks for the Invitation

      Facebook is an excellent source of material for me to write about. I know I will anger several people with what I am writing. I expect the hate email to pile up after I post this. People do get rather upset when you point out problems with new ways of life. All I have to say about that is, "Bring it on!" I have a delete button, and I am not afraid to use it.
     Don't get me wrong. I'm not against the social media. I have an account myself. It is wonderful. I have been able to get in contact with old friends from high school, college and the military. There were a few of us that thought each other had been killed or died of some exotic poison in the past 20 years or better. This would have been impossible 10 years ago. Today, even 90 year old grandparents keep in touch with their families through Facebook.
     Instead, I refer to those people that tell us everything they do online. Personally, I don't want to hear about you going to the grocery store for the third time, because your spouse got the wrong type of toilet paper. I definitely do not want to hear about your bowel movements. I know there are people that like to share all aspects of their lives. I do caution you to not share as much as some of you do. It gets annoying, and there could be repercussions to over sharing.
    You might ask, "How is that, Matt?"
     I am no criminal, although I have been told I think like one at times. I have seen posts like this before: "Just dropped the dog off at GMs. We are headed on vacation for the next 2 weeks. We cant wait to get to Cancun." Its great to see pictures of peoples vacations in nice exotic locales. However, you may want to wait until you get back. Not all 596 people on your friends list are as reputable as you might think.
     I know some of you have that bellyache face try to understand what I am talking about. Let me break it down for you. First, too many of you have put personal information on the site. How many people are able to see exactly where you live? I can google your house and get directions straight to it, maybe even a picture. Then, I just program it into my GPS and who is knocking at the door.
     Think about that and look at the post, "Just dropped the dog off at GMs." I'm sure your Grandmother will be happy for the company. Unfortunately, the not so honest see something else in that message. "There wont be a dog there to bite me in the butt when I climb through the window."
     "We are headed on vacation for the next 2 weeks." This means several things. The culprits have time to case the house. They also have several days to get the stuff out. It may take a few trips to get out the big screen televisions and your families 100 year old silverware. I wouldn't care if they got my week old plastic ware.
     The last comment says even more. "We cant wait to get to Cancun"Not many people can afford to go there, let alone for two weeks. This says, We have some money and good stuff. The thieves will not be expecting to get cheap stuff from discount stores. Additional, it is very unlikely that you will be coming home unexpectedly. You aren't just around the corner at your sister Martha's house. Their minds are at ease.
     Don't stop sharing those special moments and embarrassing stories. Those are the things that make us smile. Its wonderful to see pictures of loved ones and friends. I just ask you not to share every detail about your life. There are people out there looking for those little tidbits of information. Think before you post. You don't want a good time to turn into a bad day.