The Bane of the Bald Man

I am writing this for my friend Jamie Cantrell. He reminded me of this terrible problem.

First of all, this is not a vanity piece I am writing for myself. I have been asked several times to write about the epidemic that has hit the men of the United States Military. More specifically, the Senior Non-Commissioned Officers that prowl the ranks and file. This tragic disease seams to affect a majority of the men without any thought to race, religion or ethnic origins. This silent stalker is known as Male Pattern Baldness.

 I am not a scientist that can give you a long explanation why so many of these gallant souls are affected by this tragedy. I have thought about it in depth, due to the fact that it has been a problem for me for almost 30 years now. The first school of thought: Soldiers just have way too much testosterone in their systems. This could be true. Soldiers are required to be super aggressive and ready to destroy the enemies of the nation. The NCO’s have to have even more so that they can control the younger soldiers. Usually, it is harder to control them in garrison than in a combat. Too many young men and women think it is a good idea to sneak out of a third story window to get more beer. That isn’t so bad, but there is always that one. They do it wearing combat boots and a sheet. Screaming ‘I am Bacchus, God of Wine.’

My father, a veteran, claimed it was the hats and helmets that we always had to wear. He claimed that the constant friction and lack of oxygen killed the hair follicles. I have to disagree with the Old Man. Like most young soldiers, I was always taking off my headgear or wearing a bandana to protect the skull. This of course was when there were none of my Sergeants around. Back in my day, they would have strangled me with the bandana or beat me with the helmet. Not to the death of course, that would require too much paperwork. I have learned that as I climbed the ranks.

I even had one of my fellow soldiers claim it was an experiment from the government. They had put something in the endless inoculations that the military had given us. He wasn’t sure what the experiment was about, just that it was being performed on us. I don’t put much past the government. That is one I shrugged off. He did retire early from the Army. Now, he draws one of those special checks from the VA.

It doesn’t matter about the reason. What matters is how you treat these poor souls. Remember, we have many problems you do not have. If we are off duty, hats are something that we forgo a lot. I will guarantee that every year each of one of our special group receive a sunburn like you have never experienced. There is nothing worse than a sunburnt head. It is a pain like you have never had before. Additionally, there is the problem of the peeling skin as it heals. That makes a person look like an alien from the show ‘V.’ The Snake people are taking over!

The winter holds a different problem for us. God help you if you forget your wool cap in a snow or ice storm. A sheet of ice will form on the top of the old noggin. This isn’t so bad. What really sucks is when you go inside. The cap begins to melt. Ice water will slowly run down your neck and down your back. The ‘Ice Challenge’ has nothing on this. You are freezing the rest of the day. Nothing but a steaming hot bath can solve the issue.

Finally, there are all the people that think it is good luck to rub your head. A bald head is not a Buddha Belly people. In fact it can be very bad luck for you. The wrong bald man may take it as an insult. The result could be a dislocated soldier. Be nice and ask before you touch. The life you save may be your own.

Please keep us in mind as you brush your hair this morning. You may complain about all the hair care products you have to use, or the time you have to take to look your best. We do not have that option. It is a simple was and go. The only hair care product we may have is a can of Turtle Wax.’