Time to Pump You Up

As you get older, it is a good thing for you to stay in shape. My Dr. tells me that the benefits of a healthier life include a much longer life. That is definitely an idea that as appeal to me. However, there are those that would have preferred it if I had expired years ago. I just have to say, “Na Na Boo Boo. I am still here.” Heck, there was even a time when I found out that people were planning my wake. Someone had heard that I had been killed in Bosnia. Boy, were they shocked when I came home.

I do feel that I should try in shape. I am at that age now where it is harder to do so, and stay there. It will not be much longer before I reach that half century mark. I do not want to be like so many other people I have seen that get old before their time. They let those little aches and pains rule their lives. There is so much still to enjoy out there. Why would I want end up living my few remaining years sucked into a recliner watching Jeopardy. I do not want to be that Jabba the Hut person who can’t find the remote when it gets dropped in the chair beside me.

I am not working out to become some middle-aged, He-man, Sir Hunk-a-lot. There is no desire to grace the pages of GQ for this guy. That is just too much work. I enjoy lifting, but not all the other things required to achieve that status. Who wants to do 1000 sit-ups, run way too many miles, eat nothing but boiled chicken, and drink only water? What is life without some good old-fashioned fried food, long nap, and an ice cold beer? Give me bratwurst, or give me death! Yea you guessed it I’m not a vegetarian. My daughter would actually call me a meatetarian.

My desire to work out comes from two personal desires. The first reason is for my own self absorbed ego. I have to prove I am still the man I was 20 years ago. Thank God I am not any many ways. My bald backside was luck to survive those years once. The second time might be enough to give my guardian angels strokes. I want to be that 70 year old man still out having fun with life. There is this insane dream to sky dive on to the White House lawn for my 75^th birthday; wearing just a smile and a pair of American flag boxers. You cannot be weak and decrepit to do that. The Secret Service can’t be allowed to catch me that easy. What would the fun be in that?

The main reason is my three little girls. I want to bulk up and become extremely scary for when my little girls start dating. A fifty-something old man with a snow white beard does not have that intimidation factor. The dates will picture their child with a sweet Santa at Christmas. No father wants their daughters’ suitors to be relaxed and happy around them. We want them to tremble and shake fearing for their lives. A Santa with 42 inch pythons can put a little quiver in that happy thought. Cracking walnuts with those monsters will definitely make them fear a jolly old man.

There are only a few short years left until those first dates. It is time for me to get to work. I have a lot of push-ups to do. It will be a while before I bench press that Volkswagen.

The 4th, Once More

The 4^th of July is here again. Unfortunately, my job informed me that I have to work my normal shift. There will be no barbeque and fireworks for me with my family. My wife will have to take the girls to watch the show by herself again. This upset me at first. I thought, “Who deserve to enjoy the 4^th off, if not me. Come on I spent some many of them watching fireworks that were a lot more dangerous and that were aimed at me.” Then I realized, I was being a selfish whinny kid.

This holiday isn’t about beer guzzling, burning a good burger to cinders, or watching Uncle Bob blow his fingers off with an M-80. We easily forget what it is really about living our fast paced lives filled with constant entertainment and instant gratification.  As Americans, we feel that it is our right to have this time off to over indulge and be ignorant.

Maybe we should all have to sit through a history class the morning before the festivities start. Make all the radio and television stations run the same program all day. I would vote for one of my old college professors teaching a class on how this country came to be and the true reasons why we separated from the British Empire. Ask most people, I am sure that they cannot tell you the real reason. I’ll bet that they cannot name a single event that lead up to us declaring independence. Okay a few will mention the Boston Tea Party.

After the history lesson, I believe that each of our elected officials should take turns reading off all the names of every man or woman that gave their lives in service since the day we declared our independence. Once they have finished, let’s have all the leaders of each, “racially pure” group read off the names of everyone that is registered as immigrating to this country. We will only use the official records. IT will be interesting to give them lists with their ancestors highlighted.

I’m certain that will take care of all the entertainment for the day. I wish I could say it would make people think and be more reverent for the holidays we have. I would be kidding myself. Over 90% of Americans do not truly care. It is another day off and an excuse to cook out and have several cold ones with friends and family. Before you chug that 5^th beer, look at one of those little flags you have decorating that cake you bought for the festivities. What do those colors stand for?

I didn’t think most of you would know. It isn’t considered politically right to be that patriotic any more. Thank whatever deity you believe in that there are, and were, men and women that do know it. They built this country and still defend it. So shove another braut in your mouth. There are others  that “have this” for you.