Under Attack!

   

      There are many things in our lives that are humorous to others, but we do not find the laughter at the moment. I recently had one of those events. It occurred after I was attacked by a nest of yellow jackets while mowing the yard. I had my 2 year old riding with me on the mower at the time. Luckily, I was the target of their anger. She escaped any harm. She was more upset about not riding anymore, than the threat of the insects. Me, I was cursing from the stings across my back. Those little buggers pack a wallop!
    Their nest was close to the house, and I have 3 children. There was no choice. I had to eliminate them. So in true military fashion, I declared war on the terrorist insects. Their cowardly attack was not about to go unavenged. They had dug deep into the earth by my neighbors fence. They were entrenched and ready for battle. I was certain they had a network of tunnels for use to evade and attack. The typical wasp and hornet spray would not work on this foe. More elaborate and destructive measures would be required. After all, they outnumbered me 500 to one. Superior firepower was required.
I didn't have access to some good old-fashioned napalm. Even if I had some C-4, I am certain the detonation would have caused me more trouble than the solution. My wife and neighbors would have been upset with their windows being blown out. I'm sure the local police, ATF, and FBI probably would not be too happy with me either. It would not be fun to spend time in prison over some yellow jackets. A part of me would have loved to see them evaporated, despite the consequences.
     Reluctantly, I chose a few less destructive methods. Although, the choices I made weren't the least destructive choices. Like any good soldier attacking a larger force, I waited for the sun to start to set. The enemy was starting to settle in for the night. There is no better time to attack a hive than then. The little savages are starting to settle in for a good sleep. Slowly, I filled every opening I could find with gasoline. I emptied nearly 5 gallons worth in as many holes. Then, I tossed a match to it. There was no resounding explosion, but a big section of my yard went up in flames. UUGGH UUGGH fire good!!
     Once the flames died down, I began to dig up the hive. You have to make sure you get the queen. Otherwise, they will be back with a vengeance. I dug up a hole as big as the hood of my truck. The comb I found was as big as my head. I stomped and smashed it to a pulp. This is where the humor part comes in. Yellow jackets do come out, even if it is getting dark. They were not happy with my actions. I was out of accelerant, so I decided to try and drown the creatures. In a matter of minutes, I had created a miniature swimming pool. I shoved the hose down every opening I saw them crawling out of.
     A person would have thought fire and water would have ended their existence. No! They were swarming around the hole again the next morning. Resolved to finish this, I purchased 5 more gallons of gas. I didn't wait for dark. Girded in every piece of military gear I could find. The gear was thick enough to keep the stings away. I filled even more holes with gas and lit it. This time I didn't wait for the flames to die down. I began to dig up more tunnels and holes while the flames killed each of the enemy as they tried to escape. Believe it or not, there were still some of them flying around after that.

I've Fallen

   

    There are times that I feel like a kid. Then, reality will rear its ugly head. Realizing that you are not as young and resilient as you once were, is just one of the problems a person must face. I've ignored those little signs in the past. There was a time where nothing bothered me, physically. Now, things hurt a little more than they use to. Unfortunately, I had a crash course on that problem this past weekend. I was going down the steps to our bedroom. My foot slid out from under me and I landed flat on my back. That would have been bad enough, but I was at the top of the steps. I slid all the way to the bottom, my head bouncing off each step. I'm certain my head smacked 13 times. My children consider sliding down the steps an enjoyable sport. I have to continuously yell at them for playing on the stairs. They slide down on their bellies and backs, laughing manically. My feelings are definitely different.
    There I was lying at the foot of the stairs trying to catch my breath, and take inventory. Anyone that has taken a hard fall has done the same thing. Ive dealt with enough serious injuries in my day. There was no way I was moving, until I was certain there were no bones broken, or that my neck wasn't at a weird angle. Several minutes passed before I allowed myself to relax. The hour was late. Thankfully the rest of the family was sound asleep. None of my family was there to see me sprawled out like a Crash Test Dummy. The cat was there starring at me from the book shelf. Can cats snicker and grin? I would have sworn ours did.
    Certain I was in the right number of pieces, extra parts would have meant a big problem, I slowly got up. I used the wall and chair to do it. I'm certain I grunted, groaned, and cursed my way to the bedroom. There were no children about; it was okay for me to do it. The injuries weren't bad, sorry lieutenants. I am still tougher than that. But, it did make me think. There have been times when I took far worse tumbles, from greater distances, and higher velocity. Granted, some of them involved the heavy consumption of alcohol. Others, they just involved the stupidity of youth. Each episode seemed to result in minor scrapes and bruises.
    My muscles were tightening as I lay in bed contemplating my situation. My mind wandered through all the bad things that my body had been subject to. There seemed to be an endless number of things. Around nine, I wanted to be a stuntman. Endless hours were spent wrecking my bike, jumping out of the barn onto hay bales, with other tumbles and falls. That dream only lasted a summer, but I put my young body through the ringer. Band-aids and hot baths fixed it all then. I'm sure my body will feel the effects later in life. A cane will probably be the results. I wonder if I can get one that looks like a light saber, or a giant thigh bone?