.png)
First of all, this
is not a vanity piece I am writing for myself. I have been asked several times
to write about the epidemic that has hit the men of the United States Military.
More specifically, the Senior Non-Commissioned Officers that prowl the ranks
and file. This tragic disease seams to affect a majority of the men without any
thought to race, religion or ethnic origins. This silent stalker is known as
Male Pattern Baldness.
I am not a scientist that can give you a long
explanation why so many of these gallant souls are affected by this tragedy. I
have thought about it in depth, due to the fact that it has been a problem for
me for almost 30 years now. The first school of thought: Soldiers just have way
too much testosterone in their systems. This could be true. Soldiers are
required to be super aggressive and ready to destroy the enemies of the nation.
The NCO’s have to have even more so that they can control the younger soldiers.
Usually, it is harder to control them in garrison than in a combat. Too many
young men and women think it is a good idea to sneak out of a third story
window to get more beer. That isn’t so bad, but there is always that one. They
do it wearing combat boots and a sheet. Screaming ‘I am Bacchus, God of Wine.’
My father, a
veteran, claimed it was the hats and helmets that we always had to wear. He
claimed that the constant friction and lack of oxygen killed the hair follicles.
I have to disagree with the Old Man. Like most young soldiers, I was always
taking off my headgear or wearing a bandana to protect the skull. This of
course was when there were none of my Sergeants around. Back in my day, they
would have strangled me with the bandana or beat me with the helmet. Not to the
death of course, that would require too much paperwork. I have learned that as
I climbed the ranks.
I even had one of
my fellow soldiers claim it was an experiment from the government. They had put
something in the endless inoculations that the military had given us. He wasn’t
sure what the experiment was about, just that it was being performed on us. I
don’t put much past the government. That is one I shrugged off. He did retire
early from the Army. Now, he draws one of those special checks from the VA.
It doesn’t matter
about the reason. What matters is how you treat these poor souls. Remember, we
have many problems you do not have. If we are off duty, hats are something that
we forgo a lot. I will guarantee that every year each of one of our special
group receive a sunburn like you have never experienced. There is nothing worse
than a sunburnt head. It is a pain like you have never had before.
Additionally, there is the problem of the peeling skin as it heals. That makes
a person look like an alien from the show ‘V.’ The Snake people are taking
over!
The winter holds a
different problem for us. God help you if you forget your wool cap in a snow or
ice storm. A sheet of ice will form on the top of the old noggin. This isn’t so
bad. What really sucks is when you go inside. The cap begins to melt. Ice water
will slowly run down your neck and down your back. The ‘Ice Challenge’ has
nothing on this. You are freezing the rest of the day. Nothing but a steaming
hot bath can solve the issue.
Finally, there are
all the people that think it is good luck to rub your head. A bald head is not
a Buddha Belly people. In fact it can be very bad luck for you. The wrong bald
man may take it as an insult. The result could be a dislocated soldier. Be nice
and ask before you touch. The life you save may be your own.
Please keep us in
mind as you brush your hair this morning. You may complain about all the hair
care products you have to use, or the time you have to take to look your best.
We do not have that option. It is a simple was and go. The only hair care
product we may have is a can of Turtle Wax.’
