Their nest was close to the house, and I have 3 children. There was no choice. I had to eliminate them. So in true military fashion, I declared war on the terrorist insects. Their cowardly attack was not about to go unavenged. They had dug deep into the earth by my neighbors fence. They were entrenched and ready for battle. I was certain they had a network of tunnels for use to evade and attack. The typical wasp and hornet spray would not work on this foe. More elaborate and destructive measures would be required. After all, they outnumbered me 500 to one. Superior firepower was required.
I didn't have access to some good old-fashioned napalm. Even if I had some C-4, I am certain the detonation would have caused me more trouble than the solution. My wife and neighbors would have been upset with their windows being blown out. I'm sure the local police, ATF, and FBI probably would not be too happy with me either. It would not be fun to spend time in prison over some yellow jackets. A part of me would have loved to see them evaporated, despite the consequences.
Reluctantly, I chose a few less destructive methods. Although, the choices I made weren't the least destructive choices. Like any good soldier attacking a larger force, I waited for the sun to start to set. The enemy was starting to settle in for the night. There is no better time to attack a hive than then. The little savages are starting to settle in for a good sleep. Slowly, I filled every opening I could find with gasoline. I emptied nearly 5 gallons worth in as many holes. Then, I tossed a match to it. There was no resounding explosion, but a big section of my yard went up in flames. UUGGH UUGGH fire good!!
Once the flames died down, I began to dig up the hive. You have to make sure you get the queen. Otherwise, they will be back with a vengeance. I dug up a hole as big as the hood of my truck. The comb I found was as big as my head. I stomped and smashed it to a pulp. This is where the humor part comes in. Yellow jackets do come out, even if it is getting dark. They were not happy with my actions. I was out of accelerant, so I decided to try and drown the creatures. In a matter of minutes, I had created a miniature swimming pool. I shoved the hose down every opening I saw them crawling out of.
A person would have thought fire and water would have ended their existence. No! They were swarming around the hole again the next morning. Resolved to finish this, I purchased 5 more gallons of gas. I didn't wait for dark. Girded in every piece of military gear I could find. The gear was thick enough to keep the stings away. I filled even more holes with gas and lit it. This time I didn't wait for the flames to die down. I began to dig up more tunnels and holes while the flames killed each of the enemy as they tried to escape. Believe it or not, there were still some of them flying around after that.
They were not going to win! I grabbed a 2 gallon jug of kerosene and filled the holes with that. I let it set and soak in for a long time. Then I set a fuse down one of the holes and lit it. It burned far longer and better. Once the flames died away, I flooded the holes again with water. The number of little soldiers dropped drastically. I then set out some milk jug traps to capture any survivors. The number of flying kamikazes finally dropped down to almost nonexistence.
Since then, I have been able to mow the area without assault. I still have a crater that needs to be filled. It looks like a mortar struck the spot. I have to fill it back in soon. If you think I am kidding or exaggerating, check out my wife's Facebook page. She has pictures to prove it. I think the caption reads "What happens when the military fights bees." It worked, finally.
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